Do I have your undivided attention? Yes, I do, and that's scary. Let's analyze the situation. You actively sought out this obscure website created by marginal show-biz wannabes, slogging through dozens of other sites to get here, your efforts stymied from time to time by crashes and glitches and inexplicable delays caused by computer viruses and maybe even a cyber-BACTERIA that gnawed its way through a wormhole that was drilled into guts of your desktop device by a hacker long since dead.

But, you didn't let that stop you, right? No, you fought a tough battle against countless petty annoyances, and now you're HERE. Staring at a computer screen. All by yourself. Trying to fulfill a desperate craving for entertainment. Hoping against hope for a tiny flicker of light to guide you through the FROZEN VOID. And what do you get from The Hooligans? Downloadable ditties about Monica Lewinsky. (Short ones, at that.)

You know, once upon a time, The Hooligans were actually on the radio. Not radio software that you access through your IMac, but real radio that you listen to in your kitchen while whipping up Chicken Kiev. Yes, once upon a time, you might have been slicing up scallions or braised garlic or whatever the hell goes into Chicken Kiev, your boy/girl friend might have walked in and patted you on the butt, and The Hooligans might have come on the radio with a routine about a guy who shows up at the dentist, only the dentist turns out to be an on-the-lam dictator, and for a couple of minutes you and your significant other might have been mildly amused as you continued to do things, culinary or otherwise, and that would have been fine.

Of course, if you weren't doing other things, if you were riveted to a computer screen, all by yourself, giving this nonsense your undivided attention, that would have been pathological, wouldn't it? OK, we've established that you are presently engaged in pathological behavior, but, frankly, that's not important. The important thing is that you transfer your undivided attention from The Hooligans to me.

Week after week, I'll provide thoughts for you to obsess over. Remember, The Hooligans are distracting you from the real issues with whimsical ditties for their own purposes. We don't want them to get away with this and gloat about it, do we? No, we are going punish them. How? For openers, we won't download any of their stuff. That will teach them. Well, that's it for now. But watch out! I'll be back.

-ROCCO